Drifting

I'm feeling the effects of not having my sane, intelligent, comforting, and objective best friend. I literally have no one to talk to about the hard decisions I'm having to make. As I wade through issues knowing that my grief is playing a part in my decisions, I'm always wondering how much a part, and if I wasn't grieving would my decisions be the same and dammit I need someone to talk to.

I'm surrounded by people I don't want to be near; the narcissistic, attention-whore mother, the entitled, greedy, and trouble-making adult children, the developmentally disabled brother whose wife learned how to be opportunistic at an early age. And my sisters who I realize can't be called on to help me to any degree. They're great for taking a vacation and doing nothing, but I need strong physical help with the things in this house and that would not be what they want to help me with.

Hell, I can't even get the neighbor kid to work for money to help me. I haven't quite wrapped my head around hiring professionals yet, I need to become less paranoid about allowing strangers to come into the house - I so distrust people's intentions and there's no more perfect way to case a home than under the guise of performing some service. It's not as though the house is full of priceless treasures, but when thievery is involved and you want what you don't have, anything can spark an interest.

I have two days to steel myself and prepare for another overnighter with brother and wife. They are coming to collect more things - from brother to brother. I know I'm going to have the unsavory task of telling brother that this isn't a free-for-all. He won't be taking everything he can get his hands on, it will only be taking what he needs that allows him to continue his hobby. He needs tools and wood to make planter boxes and this place is the mother-load of both.

The mother, disrespecting the wishes of her deceased husband, preferred to sell me his white pickup rather than give it to her disabled son. I was informed of this by opportunistic sister-in-law at their last visit. So at the end of the week, brother and I will be going to the DMV to transfer the title over to him. When he drives away in it, it will be full of wood, tools, and the big comfy chair that she's decided she needs in order to sleep well what with her undefined medical issue and all. It's going to be a long two days. When it's over I'll be exhausted and no closer to getting done those tasks that I need to do here. It will make me not want to be around people for at least a week, yet I need people to do what I have to do.

When I think about all this reaching conclusion, and I don't have to have any further contact with this horrid family, all I have to look forward to is applying for a job that my current superiors want me to have. A more permanent job certainly means more security and better benefits, but it also means living in a place I don't want to be, doing a job that I'm quickly becoming disillusioned with, for the next 5 to 10 years.

I don't even want to try to put my head around not having my best friend for the duration. Not yet.